I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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