I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Randomize
