I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
