I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
