we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
