she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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