i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
