im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
