Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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