The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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