I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
