Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
