Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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