idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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