Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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