I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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