That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
