At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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