I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
