don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
