Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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