I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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