just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Randomize
