You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
