i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
