Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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