His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he thought i was a dude.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
