no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
