i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
