can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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