great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
