1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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