He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize