She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Little spoons don't ask big questions
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Randomize
