Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
