she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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