I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
