I smell stomach acid.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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