You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
