I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
