new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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