U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
