would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
