Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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