Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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