I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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