I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
