I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
