my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
