I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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