Got a toothbrush?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
