i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
