Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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