Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize