i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
