God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
