honey bunches of taint.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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