the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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